Finding Jesus in the Long Wait

 It certainly has been a moment since I sat down to write a blog post, and this evening I felt that nudge upon my heart once more. It was a nudge to sit down and share about how God has worked in my heart recently with the hopes of encouraging whoever reads this. 

One of the hardest things is surrendering what we so desperately want when sometimes it is not ours to have. For me, this has been the desire for our family to grown and have a child of our own. It has become a high possibility that is is not physically possible after almost two years of struggling with what appears to be infertility. I have watched those around me be able to achieve what I have so desperately wanted. There would be times where it really seemed that maybe we had been able to conceive ,and then I would feel devastated when my period. It got to the point where I started to weigh my measure and worth on the ability to have a child. 

My worth as a woman. 

My worth as wife. 

Maybe even my worth as a woman of God. 

For a long time, I was convinced that I truly was a failure and disappointment to my husband for not being able to give him a child. This only led to worsened depression, heightened anxiety and even a struggle with the desire to be close physically with my husband. Even thought I said that I trusted God with this heavy burden and would think I had set it down at His feet, I was quick to pick it up again. I wanted control of the situation and this only caused more hurt to me and those around me. I had often wondered in the midst of that darkness: Why?? If God knows the deepest desires of my heart...why was He not granting them? Is this a punishment for the wrongful  impure choices of my past?  

God knows what is best for us. We may think we do and know what we need to find our worth and fulfilment in this life, but the fact of the matter is we really do not. This broken world though likes to lead us to to believe that we do know best or what we think will fill that void. Friends, at the end of it all the only one who can fill that void is Jesus. He knows ever measure of hurt we feel, every tear we have shed and what we TRULY need. 

Philippians 4:6-7 (NLT) reads: 

"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.  Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. "

It was after I started to just open my heart to the Lord through prayer and just pouring it all out that I think is when I slowly began taking my hands off of this desire and began to truly lay it down at His feet. With this honest prayers, time in God's word and a deepening of my relationship with Him, that peace has come with time. I have been blessed with other children in our lives through family and friends that I get to love on and invest in. I have had kind people in my community that God has blessed me with who have been wonderful support and I have the best most loving husband who has assured me of his love for me and reminded me time and time again that if God wills it, it will happen. He has reminded me to of Sarah, and Hannah and Elizabeth in the bible who faced similar struggles. 

 This ALL hit me today. It was a month where there had just been a mixture of weird symptoms I don't usually get  and what seemed to be the right timing and I remember sharing with my husband that no matter what, I trusted God. I picked up a test earlier in the week to take and before taking it, I paused and prayed with the wrapped pregnancy test in my hand. It was negative but still could of been too early but still I had peace. Then today when that time of the month hit...that peace didn't leave. It was like a startling breathe of fresh air as I lifted my hands in worship to the song Gratitude by Brandon Lake. I was able to have that gratitude that though I was bummed that we wouldn't be expecting a little baby in the coming months, that my God knows each chapter of our story and that His plans are good. Is it still a weight on my heart and those of many other women who face the same struggles....absolutely...but God is there in the midst of that struggle, friends. He knows your sorrows, your fears, your anxieties and He does not dismiss them but sits and listens to our prayers and wraps us in His wings of comfort and love. He feels the depth of the heartache we fell to our core. It is my hope and prayer that we all continue to rest in Him and continue to trust the Faithful God that we love and follow from now until the end of our days. This world will be made whole once more in everyway possible and until then, we do not journey alone. May God grant peace in the storms and wipe the tears from our cheeks for He does have good, good plans.