My Faith Journey

 Faith is a journey. Ups and downs. Good days and hard days. But true faith remains. This is a long post but I hope, friends, you will take a moment and read.  

I wanted to share my journey which, friends, is a bold thing for me to do. However, I feel the call to be bold and share vunerabley. 

I was adopted into a Christian family. My father was a pastor and my mom had been a teacher. They loved the Lord and God was always a part of my life. I grew up Reformed Baptist. We went to sunday school, church in the morning and evening and attended Wednesday night prayer meetings. I also was blessed to attend private Christian school from Pre-K all the way through 12th grade. 

It wasn't until I was 12 that I professed faith in Jesus and I wanted to be baptized. I remeber the day of my baptism though, suddenly not wanting to do it. I was not ready. To this day, I don't thing I was. All of my friends were being baptized and I know that if a person said they believe in Jesus they should be. Did I love God? YES. 10000% . I just know looking back it wasn't a genuine faith. 

After that came my middle school and high-school years. I struggled so much with assurance of faith. I was TERRIFIED of Jesus' second coming. So much so that if I ever heard something loud that my mind thought was even close to a trumpet I would pray fervently in the moment over and over to be saved. I was also fearful of being left behind and forgotten. I remeber having a nightmare about it too. I felt like this was something I couldn't talk about with my dad because I was ashamed of this struggle and I didn't want to disappoint him with my fears. During those years, the school that I attended had a weekly chapel and often brought in a lot of evangelist types and such to speak. It was alot of brimstone and then an altar call asking people to raise their hands with eyes closed if they wanted Jesus to save them. I can't even recall how many times I did. It was a vicious cycle. 

It was not until I was an adult that I experienced Jesus in a genuine way. A good friend took me to their church called Lifehouse and I instantly loved it. The messages spoke to my heart and I loved the music. It felt so freeing to lift my hands during worship, something I hadn't be taught was ok growing up. I was baptized at Lifehouse and fully believed I had genuine faith. 

However, hardships and a divorce were on the horizon and with it hard words and judgement from people and places of faith when love and support were needed. I can remeber a particular conversation in a public setting about my choice to leave my marriage ,which in my mind was the healthiest option. The words spoken were from a place of love but struck deep and I remeber telling that person that what they were saying really made me not interested in church OR Jesus at all. 

I stopped going to church. I didn't pray much or read my bible. I was so close to losing my faith, and the sad part was that I didn't care. I started make some really bad choices in my life and living in ways that weren't pleasing to God. It resulted in allowing not great people to influence me and take advantage of my very sheltered and naive brain. I had moved out of the house I had lived in with my now ex-husband, leaving behind my beloved cat Squibs. Everything was turned upside down. 

At this point I was lost. 

It was God's mercy that He led me to an unexpected place that really helped save my faith : the Catholic Church. Right before my divorce I had started to apply to go to Mount Saint Mary's University and one day randomly walked into the chapel on campus and attended Mass. It was beautiful and I was in awe. I met one of the campus missionaries who I became friends with and who got me to go to mass with her more. She taught me the rosary for the first time and took me to experience adoration which to this day is my favorite place to find peace. This friend also told me about Fr. Mike Schmitz who's podcast and ministry has been super influential on my faith journey. God brought other wonderful Catholic friends into my life over the years who have always prayed for me and answered all my questions and walked though hard times with me. I am so grateful for them all. 

If it wasn't for the Catholic Church( and many prayers from people who loved me),I truly believe I would still be lost today. When I couldn't bring myself to go to the other churches I had been a part of, I felt comfortable going to Mass. Even if the church wouldn't have liked some of my life choices ... it was a place where I could go and just be. I still was hearing the gospel and being in Christ's presence. 

On May 19th, 2020 my dad was killed suddenly while out on his motorcycle thanks to a drunk driver running a light. My world was shattered and I can't tell you how many times I asked God "WHY?!". I didnt lose faith this time and still trusted God to bring good even though the sorrow was deep. Through that though, God woke me up even more to my true need for him. My dad was such a great person and man of God. We spent alot of time together during that darker period of life going to lunch and on countless motorcycle rides. He showed me love when I wasn't my best. That I think to this day still speaks volumes. It was an example of Christ and how He loves us no matter what we do. 

Thanks to friends when I moved to Lancaster County in 2022, I became a part of a wonderful church. I asked to be baptized as a sign of re-dedicating my life to God. My now husband was baptized on the same day. Since then God has continued to grow me to where I am today. 

Several months ago after much prayer and returning regularly to mass I told my husband that I wanted to start confirmation class again to learn more about the catholic faith with hopes of finally joining the church after my journey with Catholicism began back in 2018. It has done nothing but deepened my faith even more. I dove deep into prayer and bible study at the start of this year. I joined a Bible Study at my parish I attend and love connecting and growing with the ladies there. The parish itself has been such a blessing. I have true peace and confidence that I am finally following the call that God placed on my heart. This journey has only deepened my love for my Savior. I am ready to be home. I know it does not make me any less of Christian to be Catholic or any less Jewish either. I love the term I heard Father Mike use: Catholic Christian. 

God is faithful. 

God is good. 

And I trust Him to continue to guide my faith journey and thank Him for all He has done in my life.